Some more suggestions for holiday specials:
· Celebrity Death Match: Scrooge versus The Grinch. It's an all out hate-fest!
· Pamela Anderson sings All I Want For Christmas Are My Two Front Tits.
· F2: Judgment Day. In this explosive sequel Frosty takes on an evil snowman from the future, the F-1000.
· Santa's Got a Brand New Bag. James Brown leads an all Black cast in this soul revue musical.
· Miracle on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The heartwarming tale of a President who still believes in the missile defense shield program.
· A Sopranos Christmas. Three wise guys go to their godson's christening, bearing cannoli and wine.

As most of you have probably heard by now, I was once again snubbed by People magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year contest. I try not to let it get me down, but I'm starting to get discouraged. Every year I get my hopes up, thinking: "This...this is my year." And every year I get passed up by lesser, second-rate celebrities. It's just not right. I mean, I spend a lot of time being sexy. I got that rugged cartoonist thing going on and everything. A little acknowledgment would be nice, that's all I'm saying. I may have to start a new counter, The Futility Watch II: Tracking the number of times Tatsuya gets snubbed by People magazine, thus reaffirming his status as an indie sex god.

The creative process here at Sinfest Headquarters is a rigorously regimented science. We conduct thorough studies and market surveys to gauge the moods and tastes of the general populace. We assign a team to scour all available media outlets-- television, radio, newsprint, internet--for the latest trends and topics. (We got one guy, Ned, whose sole responsibility is to watch Mexican soap operas.) We then compile and input the data into our patented Sin-o-vision® computer program, which converts the material into comic strip form. After the strips pass their focus groups and test screenings of people in the 18-36 age bracket, we ship them priority mail to Mr. Ishida (who lives in a top secret underground facility) for final approval. Upon return delivery we upload them onto the Sinfest mainframe and bring the magic to you. Voila!

I dig the winter holidays. I like the spooky Halloween thing, the pilgrimy turkey ritual, and all that Santa stuff. Basically we dedicate a whole season to stuffing ourselves, singing goofy songs, and watching cartoons. It's so... manly. I don't know how many times I've seen that Frosty special, but I get choked up every time. And Rudolph, he's my boy. He's like the symbol of freaky individuality that lights the way. And of course, the mack daddy of them all, A Charlie Brown Christmas. Maybe one day we'll see A Boondocks Kwanza Spectacular, or How the Grinch Stole Ramadan, or hell, let's dream big--The Sinfestival of Lights: An Animated Extravaganza featuring Adam Sandler as the Devil.

Let us say grace. Thank you, Big Daddy Force for the feast before us. We heartily partake in these delectable Hungryman turkey dinners, cranapple Hi-C's, and leftover biscuits from KFC. We woulda had 'taters too, but stupid Marco ate the Ruffles. But it's all right cuz later we shall delight in some scrumptious Hostess apple pies--dig that frosted coating--served with steaming hot Ovaltine. With marshmallows. Aww yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Down home ghetto banquet in the land of the free. So let us bow our heads and give thanks to all the good things in life, to the power that makes it possible, and to our brothers and sisters who fight for them. A thousand props to you. Amen.

Had some computer problems last week and was unable to update the comic for a couple days. I'm all right. I wasn't hit with the anthrax or abducted by aliens or nothing like that. All is well at Sinfest Headquarters. The only casualty was The Streak, the distinction as comicdom's Iron Man, which is like, the most coveted record of all time. Since Cal Ripken hung up his cleats, I figured I might as well take the torch and keep the flame alive. I do what I can during these difficult times. Anyways, we're back up and running, thanks to the technical support team on the Resistance payroll. And thanks also to the readers who sent their well wishes and support. We loves ya! Good night!
xoxo,

What a thriller. An edge-of-your-seat, piss-in-your-pants nail-biter that went right down to the wire. Unbelievable. A Fall Classic for the ages. Dramatic plot twists. Heartbreaking setbacks. Miraculous comebacks. And a surprise ending. This truly had it all. I'm talking, of course, about the 2001 Emmy telecast. For a while there I thought they'd never get their shit together, but ultimately, in true Hollywood fashion, the human spirit prevailed. And the suspense! I thought The Sopranos had a lock on the top prize, but nooo, those West Wing punks came from behind to stage one mother humdinger of a rally. But that's not all. Oh no, my friends. Those Emmy geniuses saved the best for last. A surprise show-closing performance by none other than Barbra. I'm still numb from the shock of it all. Unbelievable.

This week I thought I'd share something personal with y'all. A glimpse into my life, a peek into my soul, an inside look into my...

SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN: We interrupt this column with the latest on the Anthrax scare. The band is currently touring the continental U.S., last seen in a nightclub outside Des Moines, terrorizing citizens with their savage brand of speed metal. Rumors of Anthrax visiting the White House are unsubstantiated, but one inside source said, "I'd sure like to see them tour with Bush." At which point several Secret Service men wrestled him to the ground, bitchslapped him, and detained him for "making threats to the President." We now return to the column already in progress.

...and that's the reason I am the way I am. True story.

Everywhere you look there's patriotic fever. Check it out:
· American flag turbans. The next hot fashion craze?
· U.S.A. for Afghanistan. The biggest names in Congress come together to record a benefit album for Afghan refugees. (During the session someone tripped the fire alarm, prompting most members of the House to clear the building.)
· 0.0% APR Financing from various automotive dealerships. Wow!
· Snoop Dog Raps The National Anthem. Funky, hip hop rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner." Sample line: "Ungh, ungh, yeah yeah, all right now, ungh."
· New Red, White, and Blue Lucky Charms. More magically delicious than ever!
· Uncle Sam Action Figures. Collect all members of The Coalition of Infinite Justice: Union Jack! Lady Liberty! Captain Democracy! Battle the evil forces of The Legion of Evil-Doers! Make no mistake!

Hollywood projects that have been cancelled or postponed due to inappropriate content:
· Turban Legend. The latest scare-fest from horror meister Clive Barker about a crazed New York City cab driver who terrorizes his clients by speeding.
· I Will Kill You All Because I Hate You. Brand new album from Eminem.
· Access Taliban. Celebrity gossip show featuring the hottest Third World fashions, exclusive inside look at luxurious caves.
· Maximum Overdrive 2: Airborne. Emilio Estevez reprises his role from the cult classic, this time stalked by a band of possessed crop dusters.
· The Sopranos Go To Washington. Special two hour season opener where our favorite mob family joins forces with U.S. Green Berets to take care of some "overseas business."

Words, words, words. I wish I coulda been there at the brainstorming session that dreamed up "Infinite Justice"--now changed to "Enduring Freedom." Imagine the ones that got rejected. "Operation: I Got Yer Jihad Right Here, Mother#*%!er." "Code Name: Who Wants To Be A Dead Terrorist Millionaire?" "The Manhuntin' Project." Personally, I like Infinite Justice, cuz it sounds like "Crisis on Infinite Earths." Hey, maybe them Marvel/DC boys were recruited by the government to join the think tank. Maybe some mysterious bald-headed federal dude named "X" went scouting for the top names in comics. One can imagine the fateful conversation: "Mr. McFarlane," intones X. "We need your talents." "But..." stammers the famed comic artist. "My McGwire balls just got devalued. I am so bummed." To which X retorts, "Sir, I don't care if your balls shrivel up and die. America needs you!" Of course, if any of this were true we'd now be waging "Operation: Desert Spawn."

On Security. I'm big on security. It's one of my top priorities. I never leave home without protection. When I go for my morning run I'm flanked by goons packing serious heat. I'm like Washington crossing the Delaware. Other joggers are profiled, questioned, and frisked with extreme prejudice. Just the other day there was this really suspicious looking hottie whom I personally patted down. Twice. Better safe than sorry, know what I mean? In addition, all houseguests are blindfolded on their ride over, incoming mail is inspected by a team of specialists, and my groceries are choppered in via helicopter. My Sunday drives are an all out motorcade--entire blocks are sealed off, the route meticulously scouted, the mayor alerted in advance. Someone said to me, "You shouldn't let terrorists change your way of life." And I'm like, "Terrorists? What are you talking about? I've been doing this since forever."

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I was lost but now I'm found,
Was blind but now I see.

(bass, kick drum)

'Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear
And Grace my fears removed.
How precious did that Grace appear
the hour I got my groove.

Oh yeah. Dig me now.

(choir harmonizes)

So many dangers, toils and snares
We've sho nuff overcome.
'Twas Grace that brought us safe so far
Cuz Grace got it goin' on.

Peace,

We the People on Earth, We of every Nation, Race, and Religion-- Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, and heathen--in Order to form a more perfect World, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Vigil all across the Globe. We, therefore, solemnly publish and declare our Solidarity with All Peace-loving Citizens of The World. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
Peace,

Simple is beautiful. The masters of any given field always go back to the basics, the fundamentals, the bare essentials of their craft. The fancy stuff is nice, but the real cool shit is minimalist. Drum and bass. Color and light. Meter and rhyme. And the works that grab us are usually built on the simplest of concepts--a love song, the hero myth, the afterworld. Of course, this is not recommended for all professions, like say, medicine. If I ever go under the knife, I don't want some quack trying to go "minimalist" on me. I'll be in pain cuz he won't give me any drugs, and he'll be like, "Hey, I'm retro." Or pilots. Those guys definitely shouldn't be getting too avant garde. "Attention. This is your pilot speaking. I thought I'd break down my craft to its bare essentials. Hold on, everybody."